By It's Too Soft (3/18/2006)

The day started with auspiciously beautiful weather, sunny and clear at a crisp 46 degrees. You could sense the gathering storm clouds as hashers started to emerge from the Holiday Inn Forest Park like locusts after a long winter slumber (actually from sleeping in following what was apparently epic carnage the night before). But true to form, the hash took on the hair of the dog by starting early and often in parking lot before the run and were met with the traditional pre-run luxury transportation, a 28-foot U-Haul truck which looked like it left GMC's East Lansing Assembly Plant sometime during the Nixon Administration. It took two loads to get pack to the start of the run and while in back of the dark U-Haul one got to experience how generations of illegal immigrants to the US made their way to our sunny shores, and we were half expecting either someone to shout "Federales - Immigracion!!!" and the pack to scatter like cockroaches in the kitchen when someone turns on the lights suddenly at 2am or we'd wake up sold into human slavery in a Mexican brothel. Fortunately there were no interdictions of the hash by the US Border Patrol and we arrived relatively uneventfully to the start of the run on the lovely campus of Wash U. After rather thorough circle the hares were given a 13-minute head start to lay trail whilst the pack partook from the beer wagon, a nondescript Ford Ranger pickup truck with three kegs in the back. Apparently (and fortunately) in the Holy Land of Anheuser, having several tapped kegs of beer in plain sight in the back of your motorized conveyance does not warrant the attention of local law enforcement.

After following several FRB's who were running about without anything even vaguely resembling trail marks in hash-typical lemming-like fashion, the pack finally stumbled upon the true trail and proceeded to ramble through the campus of said institution of higher learning, eventually ending with a "Reverse Rocky Balboa" run down some steps and into a boulevard vaguely reminiscent of the Philadelphia Art Museum and the Benjamin Franklin Parkway and into the friendly confines of Forest Park. The first beer stop found us overlooking a massive fountained reflecting pond which had apparently been extensively renovated for the centennial anniversary of the 1904 World's Fair which had apparently been in St. Louis then. Absolutely stunning. The St. Louis Art Museum loomed on the horizon. Many, perhaps too many beers were had and then the pack was off again through the park, past an outdoor amphitheater which I suppose is St. Louis' equivalent of Ravinia, then up a massive hill to an outdoor pavilion on the high grounds of Forest Park for yet another beer stop with a wonderful view of Forest Park. After recovering from our impromptu hill-interval training, and a few beers later and the pack was off down the hill headed into St. Louis' renowned zoo. As free zoos go, this place puts the Lincoln Park zoo to shame and the pack in their green dresses elicited many smiles and laughter from the onlooker zoo patrons.

Just past the zoo the pack hit beer stop #3 in a small park somewhat surreally decorated with reinforced concrete sculptures of turtles (I kid you not, check out the pix). Apparently St. Louis had it's St. Patrick's Day parade in Dog Town neighborhood (various theories were proffered as to the history of that name) the day before, oddly enough on March 17th, so all the trash bins in the park were absolutely stuffed with empty cans and bottles of various Anheuser products - we're not in Miller-land anymore Dorothy as silent testament to the party carnage that happened the day before (darn - we missed it by a day!). After many photo ops with the concrete reptilians, the pack was back on-in to the Holiday Inn where the circle festivities were held at a local union hall across the street and the beer flowed freely. Eventually food was brought in and awards given out and disappointingly my $4.99 dress from the Racine Wisconsin Goodwill did not win "ugliest dress". Down-downs were too numerous to cite specifically here, but a good time was had by all and eventually hashers left in good spirits retreating back to the Holiday Inn.

Many of the Chicagoans who road-tripped down to the Gateway To The West included Calvin Klein & Batteries Not Included, Stump Humper, Boner Malfunction, You Got My Rod, Rotten Whore and DJ Extraordinaire Odor Eater, Mouthful of Meat, Nuclear I Hardly Know Her and her two sidekicks from Wisconsin, Too Loose to Screw, and also Chicago alumni Woody Woodwacker (currently on leave to KC) and Flash now in Kentucky bringing samples of "experimental liquor" (the label was about as unequivocal and ominous of a warning as you'll ever see) from the land of Jim Beam. Waukesha was also healthily represented by stalwarts Breakfast and Last Hole was well as Queef, Three Ring, Two Can and Palms, and Knob Gobbler et. al. The roadtrip crew for Madison even made a strong showing following their unexpected appearance at Chicago Chinese New Year (look out for their 1500th on Memorial Day weekend-talk is already starting about a roadtrip to Madtown!).

Special mad props just have to go out to folks like Postage Tramp and PMS from Big Hump whose tireless work behind the scenes make such wonderful events possible for us all as well as the hares and the rest of the St. Louis crew for a great time and we even had a confirmed Madam Yuk sighting who has apparently become a scarce at the hash of late as suspicious white powders in front of federal buildings. St. Louis Green Dress is the "first of the majors" in the 2006 hash season which is off to an auspiciously great start. Look for always fun Waukesha's Lampshade (which I heard terrible rumours that it wouldn't be bolted onto Bockbierfest in 'Tosa - Cornballer, say it ain't so!) in April, Waukesha Red Dress and Madison's 1500th in May, and Chicago's very own PoP in June. Note that the supercomputer-based global climate change weather model is telling us that due to the double hash on April 30th/May 1st, 5th Anthrax will be on the same day as Chicago 1469 so it looks like The Perfect Storm is gathering in December 2006!

Catch also the Fujirazzi's pix from Green Dress 2006 at: http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=kuxb1a3.35hhktwf&x=0&y=ubq0pa

As well as Thirstday #121 @ Independence Tap at: http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=kuxb1a3.5lovbr6n&x=0&y=-7vb6qg

Party on on,

It's Too Soft
Chicago HHH